#3

Keywords: self-discovery, perseverance, 20’s,  life

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I recently tried to backtrack my self again. How was I when i was on elementary school, how was i when i hit my puberty cycles or specifically when i got my first period, what kind of things that i loved the most, what kind of things that i hated the most, etc. And, I realize one thing for sure, I was this kind of person who easily get anything I want. It isn’t “get something with money” of course, considering money always have been the biggest issue in my family ever since. Instead of, something that I want dearly, something that I want to achieve. My parents said that I was really smart back then on elementary school. I could finish exam, with 30-40 questions, only for 10-15 minutes and I managed to get perfect score afterwards. I also still remember that time when I joined math competition in my neighborhood. I was on 6 grade back then. In order to get the first prize, all of the participants should answer 10 questions for 5 minutes. And I surprised everyone because I could answer all 10 questions for a minute, and again, with perfect score. Do you get what I mean? I got what I want without trying so much. Effortlessly. As I am getting older, I’m starting to realize that it impacts me in any way possible. Especially, in terms of mentality and perseverance, even though my parents always hard on their children. It’s difficult for me to do something consistently. It’s hard for me to do repetitive things for a long time. I tend to procrastinate because I know I am capable to finish everything quickly, and of course with good quality. And whenever someone underestimate my capability, I will easily feeling down. I’m not good at accept criticism because I see life as competition. I want to show the world that I could get anything done easily. But again, as I am getting older, I had hard times because of it. Because, I’m starting to realize that the actual problems in the real world can’t be solved easily. It is complex, it needs consistency and perseverance. Something that I lack of. And now, as I’m working on these qualities I am lacking of, I only hope that instead of being a smart person, my descendant would become a person with hardworking and sociable quality and of course with strong mentality (END/DS).

#2

Keywords: life crisis, self-discovery, passion, reality, question, 20’s

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I often forget who i am. Why i am here, on this path, that feel as hell, full of obstacles and hardship. I often lose my track. I lose my sense of purpose. I often disregard my roots and let myself loose on temporary happiness which somehow lead me into blindness. I realize it. I regret things. But I keep repeating it. Until it become a cycle where i, even myself, feel sorry to this soul, soul that trapped in my body. I keep repeating it. I know i would regret it at the end. But still do it anyway. Somehow, I feel I hate myself. I wonder how other people could deal with it easily? They say, I shouldn’t think about it too much and instead do what I have to do. But, whenever I try to do it, it feels wrong, it doesn’t make me happy, it neither satisfy my mind nor my soul. Is it normal to have this feeling? Is it normal to lead a life like this? What kind of end will i face if i keep it on status quo? (END/DS).

#1

Keywords: self-discovery, introvert, extrovert, 20’s

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Belakangan ini, menghabiskan waktu sendiri merupakan hal yang paling kusukai. Baca buku, nonton film, dengerin lagu, memperbarui playlist, cari-cari berita baru di internet, sampai hanya sekedar tidur dan bermalas-malasan di kasur. Rasanya aku cukup puas dan merasa senang hanya ditemani oleh diriku sendiri. Rasanya tenang dan hidup terasa lebih mudah. Aku yang bukan seorang introvert, setidaknya itu berdasarkan hasil tes psikotes dan beberapa tes kepribadian gratis di internet, dibuat bertanya-bertanya. Pasalnya, seorang ekstrovert seharusnya mendapat energi dari interaksi dengan orang-orang di sekitarnya, kan? Tapi, mengapa menghabiskan waktu sendiri terasa sangat menyenangkan? Pikiran itu berkecamuk cukup lama dalam imaji ku. Aku tau, setiap orang memiliki sisi introvert dan ekstrovert dalam dirinya. Aku menyadari itu.

Namun, hari ini sepertinya pikiran itu telah menemukan jawabannya. Setelah ku refleksikan lagi, aku tidak menyadari betapa besarnya energi yang ku dapat setiap kali aku menghabiskan waktu dengan orang-orang di sekitarku. Misalnya, aku merasa lebih senang saat ini setelah menghabiskan waktu dengan sahabatku. Rasa senangnya tidak dapat digambarkan dengan angka. Perasaan yang ada pun bukan hanya senang, namun pada level di mana aku sangat termotivasi dan terinspirasi. Perasaan ini muncul setiap kali aku menghabiskan waktu dengan orang-orang di sekitarku.

Terdengar sepele ya? Namun, mencoba untuk menemukan bagian demi bagian dari jati diriku merupakan hobiku saat ini. Sungguh, ini sungguh membahagiakan, dan ini sungguh sulit. Tidak mudah untuk terbuka dan jujur pada dirimu sendiri. Aku harus belajar untuk lebih terbuka dan memahami diriku sendiri. Hasilnya, lambat laun, aku mampu menemukan kepingan-kepingan puzzle dari diriku. Kepingan-kepingan puzzle yang apabila terkumpul semuanya akan membentuk identitasku. (END/DS)